i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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