It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
