She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
