I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
