I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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