if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what day is it and did you see me today?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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