went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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