I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
