cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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