Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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