drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
