It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
