that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
