You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Holy sore nipples Batman
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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