you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
