I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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