lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
