Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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