just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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