oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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