The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
