Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
