I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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