I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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