i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
