I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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