also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
