im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
