I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
