Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she smelled like a LAN party
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
