If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I want is dick and wine.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
