Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
