we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
