so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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