at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
