after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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