So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
