I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
