bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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