The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
