Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
