I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
