If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
