You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
