youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
