Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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