you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
