Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
