Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
