glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
