Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
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I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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