Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
