I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
