Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I CAN MOONWALK!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
